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(<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) FEB 21 Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." Finally, farmer Joe came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no, the farmer thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor. "No, no, I'm okay," gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) FEB 04 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent." (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) The Manager's Hot Air A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced the height and spotted a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," replied the balloonist. "I am," said the man. "How did you know?" "Well," the balloonist said, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me." The man below said, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going; you're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," came the reply. The first man then asked, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replied the second man. The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replied the second man. Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," came the reply. "I can't believe it, " said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!" He continued, "Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replied the second man. Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man said. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!" About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down. "What's been going on?" he asked the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) JAN 28 The following dialog is a reporter asked a bank president. Reporter : "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" Sir : "Two words" Reporter : "And, Sir, what are they?" Sir : "Right decisions." Reporter : "And how do you make right decisions?" Sir : "One word." Reporter : "And,sir,What is that?" Sir : "Experience." Reporter : "And how do you get Experience ?" Sir : "Two words" Reporter : "And, Sir,what are they?" Sir : "Wrong decisions" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) The Gifts Of The Three Sons Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) Stanford called the vet, "Doctor, you've got to come right over! My pet pig just ate the TV remote control!" "I'll be right there." "Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime?" The vet said, "Read a magazine." (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) Bob was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. The blonde exclaimed, "Wow. I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!" (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) (<:) Fatherly Encouragement Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."